


As Long As She's Happy

by llcflms



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: (for now) - Freeform, F/M, Rejection, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-13
Updated: 2018-12-13
Packaged: 2019-09-17 13:54:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16975824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/llcflms/pseuds/llcflms
Summary: Ayato confesses to Hinami and she rejects him.





	As Long As She's Happy

“I love you.” 

He says it quick, short and loud, trying his best to be confident even when he feels himself falling apart right there and then. Hinami’s eyes go wide, in complete circles, at the unexpected words from his mouth. She parts her mouth slightly, before she closes it again, her silence continuing to deafen him. The atmosphere between them takes a sudden shift; it’s heavier now, yet not as awkward as he had thought it would be, probably due to how she was still swimming in shock.

“W-wha…” She manages a soft whisper, her eyes dropping low. Her head hands forward and her hair falls to shield her face. Ayato wishes she’ll look up. He wants very much to see her reaction and to know what she’s feeling right now. 

“I said…” He pauses for a moment, a sudden burst of hesitation grabbing him and pulling him back. He should change his words, it seems to be saying, and pretend he had meant something very different. But even then, that will be total bullshit and he’ll be doing what he’s always been doing all this while– running away, hiding and pretending. What other things can he possibly have planned to say, especially after he had called her out alone and brought her to a more secluded part of their base to talk privately? Everything screams of a confession. He doesn’t know if Hinami was simply too dense to figure it out, or if she was living in denial, but whatever it was, she hadn’t prepared herself for his words. He takes a deep breath and says them again, “I love you.”

Hinami fidgets in her spot, a hand moving to grab her other arm. He can tell how tight her grip is, finger digging into the white flesh hard enough for it to turn red.

 _Don’t,_  he wants to tell her.  _Don’t mar yourself any more than you’ve already done._

He thinks of the sight he saw when he first returned, her bloodied and bruised, out of breath, falling in and out of consciousness, with missing limbs and missing smiles. He hates how he wasn’t there to stop it. He hates how he was right on the verge of losing her without even realising he was.

He hates the thought of her going without knowing anything.

“I… I don’t know–”

“I know,” he laughs flatly, cutting into her words and sparing her the difficulty of having to come up with a response. “I know you don’t feel the same… I just wanted you to know.” 

It feels like he managed to get a huge weight off his chest, but when Hinami looks up at him again, face twisted in guilt and eyes watering in sympathy, it feels like something bigger fell right back onto him.  _She doesn’t love you,_ his conscious screams at him and perhaps, he wasn’t as prepared as he thought he was. Maybe deep down, he was truly hoping for a miracle and that somehow, she’d accept him and his undeniably wrong feelings.

“I’m… sorry…” she whispers. 

“Don’t be.” He’s forcing himself to laugh and smile, even when he just wants to shut himself up and cry. He’s never cried, not ever since his father left. He’s felt like crying before, but it’s never been this bad. He must be some kind of a selfish bastard, to have to struggle more with holding in tears from a simple rejection than from the thought of her locked in Cochlea and being put to death.  _What an asshole, what a jerk._

Perhaps this rejection is for the best. He’s a shitty monster disguised in the hide of a beautiful person. He doubts he can provide her anything, except for maybe the satisfaction of dating a pretty good-looking boy.

“How long?” 

He blinks at her question, taking the time to actually think through it. He hadn’t really known when it was that he fell for her. He hadn’t noticed how deep his emotions were until she was forcefully ripped out of his life. Sitting in a garden surrounded by remnants of her, he had felt like the biggest idiot of the times– never having appreciated what he had when she was beside him.

“I don’t know…” he says honestly. 

“Why?” she asks. Her face remains as it is, hardening into an almost-permanent expression. He wants to scream at her to stop it. He doesn’t want that to be the face he sees whenever she looks at him henceforth. “Why  _me_?”

The answer is simple–  _why not you?_ Yet, he holds his tongue and shrugs a little, looking upwards to the ceiling of the cell they’re in. Perhaps he’s trying to think, but it’s more likely that he’s trying to hold in the tears that are threatening to spill.

_I can’t be a crybaby again._

“You smiled at me,” he says. The image flashes in his mind– her radiant grin on their first meeting and the wave of emotions that rushed through him at the realisation that something–  _someone_ – so beautiful and bright can even exist on the surface of this disgusting, twisted and ugly world. 

“Smile…?”

“No one’s ever done that… When they first meet me, they’re either terrified or mocking. Hinami’s the first person who looked at me like I’m… more…” 

“More?”

“More than a kid who spends his time killing and pillaging like the dog to the organization…” 

“Ayato-kun is more than that…” she says, nodding slightly. 

_No, I’m not._

“You… have done so much for me,” she continues. 

“I could have done more…” 

“No!” she says, her voice rising in pitch all of a sudden. “Don’t… Don’t do more… You’ve done enough… You risked your life for me. Ayato-kun, I should repay you but I–”

“You don’t,” he cuts in. “You don’t owe me anything, not a return for all that I’ve done for you, not even a reciprocation. I did all that because I wanted to and you’re not obligated to do anything.” 

_I wanted to see you happy._

Her lips quiver a little and it’s at that moment Ayato realises he’s been staring at it for quite some time, eyes lingering on how thin, yet plump they were and wondering how they’d feel to his touch.

“Ayato-kun… you deserve better…” she says and he almost doubles over in laughter. 

“Me? Deserve better?” he snickers. “Come on, Hinami, I don’t deserve you.” 

She looks up at him, eyes brimming with resolve, and walks closer to him, narrowing the gap between them. She stops a short distance away, but even then, it hits him just how far away she is. She’d normally come closer. She’d normally have no qualms about reaching over to touch him as well. She’s done that before, after all, leaning into his embrace as she cries out her pain.

He has to admit he’s always hated himself for wishing for more, for secretly yearning that she’s constantly upset, just so she’ll come to him and reach out for him. He’s never able to understand the contradicting desires raging within him, to see her happy and safe, yet also silently wishing for the closeness he experiences whenever she’s upset.

Of course, she doesn’t deserve him– how can  _anyone_ deserve someone like that? He’s shit.

“Does it hurt?” she asks. 

“No.” 

“You’re lying…” she murmurs. 

“Of course I am… Won’t there be something wrong otherwise?” He laughs–  _again_ – and she smiles weakly at him. He can tell how terrible she’s feeling right now and he wants to change that. “It hurts like a fucking bitch… I kinda would rather get blown up instead.” 

He thought she’d laugh but instead, her eyes widen in horror and she steps forward a little, hands reaching towards him.

“Maybe one day I can return those feelings… Maybe I–”

“Don’t.” Her eyes widen at his response and he doesn’t blame her. It had come out a lot more rough and brutal than he had intended it to, to the point she shrinks back a little. Ayato turns away, his mind briefly frolicking in the idea she’s now planted into his head– that one day that might perhaps come. He immediately forces the ideal out of his head, forces himself to ground into reality again. “Don’t say that.”

“Ayato-kun?”

“I can deal with this pain… It’s nothing.” His voice is gruff and low, mainly because he doubts he has the strength truly be honest about what he’s feeling. “It… hurts a lot, Hinami… If you’re going to give me false hope, it’ll only hurt even more when it becomes obvious that that day will never come… And I’d hate you for that and I’ll probably won’t be able to forgive you.” 

He knows the pain isn’t literal and that it’s not something that can be expressed or felt like any other injury can be felt. But even then, it feels like someone’s ripping his heart apart right now– a tissue at a time, slowly, a little by little. He presses his hand against his chest, rubbing it lightly as if trying to ease the pain that can never be healed that easily.

“I’m sorry,” she says again. 

“I’m telling you, stop apologising.” 

“I don’t want to hurt you…”

“I know. You never want to hurt  _anyone_. It’s fine… Things like this happen. It’s not your fault. It’s mine, you know, for falling for someone I never had a chance with…” he says. “I… never felt this way for anyone before… And I have a bad habit of feeling too deeply for people… It’s on me… Don’t worry about it.”

He chokes and stumbles on his words this time and he knows he’s reaching his end. He can’t hold on for too long– it’s impossible; he’s only just another person struggling with his own problems and worries.

“Ayato-kun–”

“I’m fine now. That’s all I wanted to say. You can leave now.”

“But… you don’t sound fine… Ayato-kun, please, at least look at me.” 

He knows it’s the last thing he should do right now. He doesn’t know what’ll happen if he does look at her. His insides are churning and raging, screaming at him to do  _something_  or to force her to stay and open her eyes to all the things he’s done and all good things about himself and to just try and fall for him there. It’s a ridiculous thought of course. He’s barely even done much for her and of course, the bad outweighs the good– he can’t just force someone to fall in love, especially with someone like him. He supposes he’s just that desperate and he worries about what he’s capable of when he’s desperate. The last thing he wants is to hurt her.

“Just go.” 

“What about you, Ayato-kun?” 

“I want to be alone for a while.” 

“I’m worried.”

_Stop it._

“I’m scared, Ayato-kun… Please, look at me at least.” 

He can’t let go if she’s like this.

“Hinami.” He forces his voice to sound more confident and sure but even then, the way it wavered betrays his thoughts and feelings. “Please. You’re not helping right now.” 

He hears the rush of her feet and before he is even able to realise anything, she’s throwing herself against him, arms winding around his torso in a tight, inescapable grip. Though, honestly, he has no intention of breaking away from her, silently happy he’s actually able to feel her against him once more, yet cursing fate because he knows she’s doing this out of sympathy and there’s never been anything Kirishima Ayato has ever hated more than others’ pity.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” she asks, voice muffled from the thick fabric of his coat. 

“I am… but you’re not making this any easier… Please Hinami,” he sighs. He’s on the verge of begging her to leave, even though he knows the last thing he wants is for her to actually leave. 

“You sure you’ll be okay?” Her arms tighten around him and he hesitates for a moment before he nods and pushes her hands, breaking them apart and freeing himself. 

“I’m fine… It’s just a stupid crush. I’ll get over it,” he says. It’s a lie, of course. It’s not just a stupid crush; crushes are superficial and they fade eventually. But his feelings have never once waned, not even at the realisation that he’ll never come close to the people she holds dear, not at the realisation that once again, he’s losing someone to that half-assed bastard, not even at the realisation that all that awaits him is more pain and torments. As her desire to get stronger for Kaneki’s sake grows, his desire to protect her grows. As her she purses Kaneki and tries to reach towards him, he pulls back yet continues to watch over her. As she devotes her absolute trust into Kaneki, all he does is continue devoting himself to her. He stays behind, watching her back, always ready to pounce into action whenever she needs him. 

It doesn’t matter if she doesn’t look back. In fact, it’s better. She should continue looking towards the light that’s before her, not at the darkness that follows behind her.

_As long as she’s happy…_

He swallows the lump rising in his throat, fully aware of Hinami still standing behind him, her hesitation and guilt burning into him. He wants to chase her away again but his throat had gone dry and he’s washed by a sudden wave of exhaustion. They remain standing in silence before Hinami eventually relents, murmuring a soft apology as she turns to leave. He listens to her fading footsteps.

Should he really let her go? Should he not try to prove himself to her at least once? Is it really okay to give up without even trying?

He snorts at the doubts swimming in his mind, mocking the bullshit he’s forcefully coming up with to give himself an excuse to call her back. He has to remind himself again, it shouldn’t be about him– it should be about her. It doesn’t matter what he wants, not as long as she’s happy.

_As long as she’s happy…_


End file.
